We're Moving...Really.

Posted by Heather , 4.25.2013 12:18 AM

About a month ago JT's company invited us to join them in the Sunnyvale office, or find a new job, as they are planning to to close the Utah office.  After a long, painful deliberation, we decided to do it.  It's been an interesting journey so far.  When we got the news, I was neck deep in nesting mode...busy planning how to arrange and decorate our current home in preparation for our little baby boy coming this August.  I was crocheting and doing prenatal yoga.  In fact, I was just thinking how nice it was to have a little break from any really crazy drama, and just enjoy the life we've built here.

One phone call completely changed ALL OF THAT.  We made all kinds of pros and cons lists, we looked at our financial situation carefully, considered all the important relationships we enjoy here, access to services and support groups, etc., etc.  I think I knew from the beginning we were supposed to do it, but I REALLY DIDN'T WANT TO. I wanted to enjoy building my little nest in our little tree. Logically, we could talk ourselves in or out of it.  I nearly made myself physically sick "kicking against the pricks."  I don't know how I didn't get seriously dehydrated from all the tears I cried as we wrestled with the decision.

Then I read this talk by Elder Eyring "Where is Thy Pavillion?"  (Thanks for sharing, JT:)

"The pavilion that seems to intercept divine aid does not cover God but occasionally covers us. God is never hidden, yet sometimes we are, covered by a pavilion of motivations that draw us away from God and make Him seem distant and inaccessible. Our own desires, rather than a feeling of “Thy will be done,”2 create the feeling of a pavilion blocking God. God is not unable to see us or communicate with us, but we may be unwilling to listen or submit to His will and His time.

Our feelings of separation from God will diminish as we become more childlike before Him. That is not easy in a world where the opinions of other human beings can have such an effect on our motives. But it will help us recognize this truth: God is close to us and aware of us and never hides from His faithful children."
I don't think it is coincidence that Elder Eyring has mentioned moving in his last 3 conference talks. Dang!
As I tried to open my heart to God's will for our family, lots of little answers started coming.  I read about Nephi's journey to the promised land.  Those women were awesome.  When I feel particularly vulnerable being great with child, I think of their examples in 1 Nephi 17.
And it came to pass that we did again take our journey in the wilderness; and we did travel nearly eastward from that time forth. And we did travel and awade through much affliction in the wilderness; and our bwomen did bear children in the wilderness.
 And so great were the ablessings of the Lord upon us, that while we did live upon braw cmeat in the wilderness, our women did give plenty of suck for their children, and were strong, yea, even like unto the men; and they began to bear their journeyings without murmurings.
 And thus we see that the commandments of God must be fulfilled. And if it so be that the children of men keep the commandments of God he doth nourish them, and astrengthenthem, and provide means whereby they can accomplish the thing which he has commanded them; wherefore, he did bprovidemeans for us while we did sojourn in the wilderness.
How bad can Sunnyvale be?  We won't be wandering in the woods eating raw meat.  I need to "bear my journeyings without murmurings."  
This is actually something we've always wanted to do.  We've been talking about leaving Happy Valley and living with our kids in the mission field since we were dating.  I remember distinctly the feeling I had my first Sunday back in my home ward after my mission. I felt like I needed to be somewhere else.  It's hard to explain, but I just felt like I needed to be somewhere else.  I arrogantly assumed it was so that I could strengthen a ward or branch.  I'm realizing that in this circumstance, I'll probably be the service opportunity for awhile once the baby comes.
By far the hardest thing is leaving the people we are the closest to: family, and our neighbors and friends.  Here, our lives revolve around some really lovely routines: school, preschool, playdates, romping about the neighborhood with beloved friends, weekly family dinners, lunch with my mom and sisters, etc., etc.  It's hard for me to even imagine WHAT I'll do each day.  I know we'll establish new routines, and find ways to maintain relationships at home, it just all seems so BIG.
I found myself thinking/worrying/ pining for my tulips in my yard.  How could spring really come if I didn't see them pop out?  Do they even have spring in Sunnyvale?  Then I imagined myself as a tulip...every year enjoying the cycles, the predictability.  Until one day someone ripped me out of the ground and chucked me as far as they could across the country.  I kind of feel like a tulip hurtling through space...a pregnant tulip hurtling through space, with 3 other kids and all our stuff.
Somehow I need to get to the point where I'm cool with that.  This is kind of hard, and scary.  I feel like a total spiritual wimpy failure.  I'm working on feeling like this scripture from Isaiah 40:1.
31 But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.
I'm totally not there.  In fact, I feel kind of weary and faint most of the time, but I'm trying to envision myself like an eagle soaring...instead of a screaming, pregnant tulip.  It's kind of like my own brand of "hypno-moving," not to be confused with "hypno-birthing."

I know it's the right thing, and that is comforting...and lots of people are helping us get ready. (A huge thanks to our regular support team).  And, I know that there are wonderful friends to meet out there. We are praying for chances to share the gospel, and for an awesome mind-expanding experience for all of us.  I know we are going to be fine.  I think it will even be fun.  It's strange because I feel guilty when I feel excited because I really am heartbroken about leaving, and I sense profoundly the importance of the relationships we will be leaving behind.  I also feel guilty feeling heartbroken, because then I feel like I don't have any faith.

I need to read and study some more to find the right way to reconcile all this.  Any suggestions are welcome!

So, I'm going to try to revive this poor little blog of ours.  I want to share this adventure with anyone interested, and I'm hoping to build some support roots to help us as we try to grow our wings.

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